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'Women are just better at this stuff': is emotional labor feminism's next frontier?

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We multi-task. We are just better at remembering birthdays. We love catering to loved ones, and we make note of what they like to eat. We applaud success when it comes: It was their doing, and ours in the background.

Besides, if we work hard enough, we can succeed too: But what if, much like childcare and house keeping, the sum of this ongoing emotional management is yet another form of unpaid labor? If you think this is pushing it, you would be wrong. The concept of emotional work and emotional labor — as repeated, taxing and under-acknowledged acts of gendered performance — has been a field of serious inquiry in the social sciences for decades.

Our two beers stand between us, ready for consumption. She just stares, looking vaguely disappointed and plain unchallenged. I have been teaching undergraduate students about that for years. The concept has been around for over 30 years; it was first introduced by Arlie Hochschild, an academic who formally coined the concept in her book The Managed Heart.

But only recently has it slowly started to re-emerge in online debates and pop culture. Jess Zimmerman, who wrote about emotional labor for The Toast, says she was floored by the amount of feedback she received — hundreds and hundreds of women commented in fervent agreement, thanking her for finally giving them a vocabulary for what they experienced. Zimmerman framed emotional labor as something especially occurring in private, while academics first focused on it as a formal workplace issue.

In a work context, emotional labor refers to the expectation that a worker should manipulate either her actual feelings or the appearance of her feelings in order to satisfy the perceived requirements of her job. Emotional labor also covers the requirement that a worker should modulate her feelings in order to influence the positive experience of a client or a colleague. It also includes influencing office harmony, being pleasant, present but not too much, charming and tolerant and volunteering to do menial tasks such as making coffee or printing documents.

Think of your morning Starbucks barista, who drew a smiley face on your cardboard cup of coffee this morning. Did she really want to go the extra mile today, or was it just part of the job expectation? Research suggests that cumulatively, ongoing emotion work is exhausting but rarely acknowledged as a legitimate strain — and as such, is not reflected in wages.

Here, emotional work is not an added value; it is rather a requirement to get workers to the bare minimum. In those jobs, the employer is expecting emotional output, but is unwilling to pay for it. The duty to recognize emotion work is offloaded onto the client — who is then expectant of emotional fulfillment and satisfaction before providing the extra money. This has nefarious consequences, especially for women. Recent data suggests at least two-thirds of the low-wage industry is female, with half of these workers women of color.

Even in more prestigious industries, Jessica Collett, a professor of sociology at the University of Notre Dame, explains, men and women may both be engaged in the same degree of emotional labor formally, but women are expected to provide extra emotional labor on the side. This remark was echoed by a successful female human rights lawyer and friend of mine, who recently complained about the expectation that she should engage with office administrative staff every morning — something she was happy to do, but also felt she had to do.

She needed to be seen as kind and competent in order to be respected, something her male colleague never bothered with. Robin Simon, a sociology professor at Wake Forest University, turned the tables on herself and said that as a female professor, she was expected to be much more emotionally aware and available in and out of the classroom than her male colleagues.

What is emotional labor? As I tried to break it down for my lunchtime cook, I saw his brows furrow in concentration and then slowly make way for confusion. My friend, a successful software engineer in his mids who had shown himself an ally to feminist causes in many of our past conversations, clearly thought this one was a step too far.

What if people actually enjoy it? What if women are just better at doing that? Why do we have to make that something negative? His questions may have betrayed some exasperation with me. He had, in all fairness, prepared all of the meals we had shared during our New York friendship without ever complaining. For him, framing emotional work as anything but natural was seen as needlessly picky; it was making something big out of something that was simply best left alone.

My friend would probably never dare say: In a seminal academic article on the subject using data on employed and married parents, sociologist Rebecca Erickson found that not only was the brunt of emotion related work taken on by women at home, on top of child care and housework, it was also linked to gender construction, not sex.

This is a role we have simply become accustomed to: In a recent article in the Guardian, Alana Massey talks of the ongoing sexual inequality that exists in a post-pseudo-sexual liberation world. We may have slowly come to terms with the idea of women having sex to the degree they want, but sex positivism has by no means been followed by widespread conversations on the kind of sex women want and need in order to be fulfilled.

You might therefore also think of women feeling the need to fake orgasms as not just a consequence of a society that still views sexual intercourse in a male-centric way, but as a way for women to cater first and foremost to the male ego. Sara Thompson, a teacher turned financial litigation lawyer in her early 30s, is by all means and purposes in a very egalitarian relationship.

Her husband and partner of 10 years is a successful researcher, administrator and professor at an Ivy League university. Together they share a life filled with formal and informal arrangements that keep their relationship sane and seemingly equal from the outside.

But get Thompson speaking about the emotion work and every day extra effort in household organization that goes on as part of her romantic relationship, and some clear disparities start to emerge. Through an upbringing where she was reprimanded when she took up too much space, she has been shaped into being someone who is constantly, chronically paying attention to the environment around her.

It involves thought, and planning:. It is not just that Thompson is cooking dinner, it is that she is planning dinner menus what would he like to eat?

Birth control planning is another issue. The same is valid for smaller details of everyday life. Have you seen my nail filer? He goes to the closet and says he cannot see it. After the third or the fourth time, that shit needs to be learned. She continues: Because if I did, then our everyday life would be a nightmare. So I take on that role. Or is it time we started forgetting the birthdays too, time we stopped falsely screaming ecstasy, and demanded adequate, formal remuneration for emotion work provided in the workplace as a skill?

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