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Illustration by Vivian Shih. There aren't many people who are fortunate enough to have lived their lives first as gay men and later as lesbian women. Growing up, Alison was slight and slender, something she frequently bragged about "to the confusion of her boy peers," as she recalled. When she started puberty, she began to struggle with feelings of discomfort in and anxiety about her body—she was terrified of becoming big, muscular, and masculine like her older brother, whom she described as "a very shitty misogynist.
Read more: Fearing the psychological and physical discomfort that puberty would bring, Alison turned to "drugs that DARE taught me would stunt your growth," which she took in an attempt to ensure her body would remain small. At the time, she just saw herself as a particularly femme gay guy; though she was undoubtedly attracted to men, she had difficulty relating to them.
It wasn't until college that Alison realized that she identified as a woman. A few months into her transition, she realized she was attracted to women as well. Alison isn't entirely sure why her sexual orientation changed after she began living according to her true gender identity.
Because she didn't identify as male anymore, she suggested, she could "conceive of women as possible romantic or sexual interests" without having to stomach her "disgust at male heterosexuality" or having to view herself as complicit in it. She also noted that having sex with men before her transition made her feel more feminine: Seriously, I used to be a rake-thin, femme, fag bottom, and now I'm a curvy, andro dyke, mostly top.
What the fuck? In addition, Alison believes that transitioning had a profound effect on her sex drive—she mentioned feeling a noticeable mental and emotional shift after starting hormone replacement therapy HRT. HRT for trans women generally includes two medications. One is a testosterone-blocker, which effectively nullifies testosterone in the body. The other is estrogen, which replaces the testosterone and begins the process of a second puberty.
On HRT, trans women experience many of the pubertal changes that cisgender women do, such as breast development. Alison says that, once she got testosterone out of her system, she no longer felt like she absolutely had to have sex—or, as she puts it, that "cloud of incessant horniness dissipated. Walter Bockting, a professor of medical psychology at Columbia University who specializes in LGBT health, says there isn't a clear consensus on whether hormones influence sexual orientation.
However, "the role of hormones in the development of gender identity or sexual orientation is less clear and remains unknown. One hypothesis Dr. Bockting mentioned posits that, with the suppression of testosterone and the administration of estrogen, "transgender women's sexual orientation becomes somewhat less fixed—as research indicates that it is more fixed among men than among women," as he put it. The role of hormones in the development of gender identity or sexual orientation is less clear and remains unknown.
But there could be a cultural or psychological explanation as well, Dr. Bockting was quick to note. Research on the topic remains spotty at best; there's little sense of how common shifts in sexual orientation are among trans people, though among trans communities anecdotal evidence suggests such shifts aren't uncommon.
A study , which surveyed trans people who visited the endocrine outpatient clinic at the Max Planck Institute of Psychiatry in Munich, found that "self-reported change in sexual orientation is quite common" in both male-to-female and female-to-male trans people. Of the 70 trans women in the study group, The study clarifies that such changes don't "solely occur in the context of particular transition events. Like Alison, Ann feels that testosterone—and, later, estrogen—may have played a role in her sexual shift, but she recognizes that it probably occurred in conjunction with the social and psychological changes that occurred once she was able to live as a woman.
Ann's story, as she tells it, is less about strict changes in sexual attraction and more about the loosening of sexual preferences that once seemed fixed and inalterable. She still finds men attractive, and is even dating a man right now, but she no longer holds herself to fixed ideas about what her sexuality is or how it should be defined. In fact, Ann feels that after transitioning, it became easier for her to "open up" romantically and "to love.
Laura Erickson-Schroth, a public psychiatry and LGBT health fellow at Columbia University, emphasizes that "we know very little about whether hormones for transition affect sexual orientation," noting that "many people, transgender and cisgender, experience shifts in their sexual orientations over the course of their lives. One of the gifts of having transgender people in your life is [that they allow you] to recognize and experience that gender is not entirely binary.
Bockting similarly noted that there is an interplay among one's self-esteem, social identity, and sexual orientation. In college, when she was five months into her transition, Alison remembers becoming interested in a young, beautiful woman who attracted a lot of attention from both straight guys and lesbians on campus.
She was surprised by herself, finding it hard to believe that she felt such a strong attraction to a woman. And she was even more surprised to find that this person was attracted to her, too: The experience was transformative. Afterwards, Alison found that she was attracted almost exclusively to women. And because she felt comfortable in her body, she was able to experiment more freely with the limits of her sexuality.
This was the nail in the coffin for her former "fag" self: Today, Alison is primarily attracted to cisgender women, but she can also be into trans women. In a way, sex with trans women is easier for her. We live in a society that constantly enforces strict norms about how women and men should behave, and with whom. But such expectations are limiting, boring, and antiquated.
For Alison, this realization has been extremely fulfilling. Men I just wanted to top me relentlessly and watch TV with and get high with. With women, I wanted literally everything. While researchers have yet to determine whether changes in hormones lead to changes in sexual orientation, for many trans lesbians, the logic is clear: If you don't have to live as a man anymore, why would you date them?
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